At this rate, I should prepare my Crayolas.

Throughout my life, the things I do during the day have become increasingly more complex. As an infant, I focused on things like eating and sleeping. As a toddler, I spent time playing with toys or coloring. In school, I learned the alphabet, then arithmetic, then science and civics and so on. Each progressive stage built upon prior learned lessons, with each stage being more complex or difficult than the previous. The trend continued through high school and college. As per the pattern of 20 years, I assumed such development would continue.

Thus far it has not.

Last June, as I finished graduate school, I wrote a 20 page paper discussing international economic regimes, their changes through time and the impact they have had on world trade. For another class, I evaluated the current world perspective on terrorism: its causes, impact and potential solutions. A year prior, I analyzed American foreign policy and how trade relations with China have created trade deficits, partly caused by an undervalued Yuan.

Yesterday I was coached on how to file things alphabetically. Seriously.

Apparently I'm good at doing mundane tasks. So good, in fact, that the Boston office has shipped multiple boxes to me overnight so that I can put them in to folders and send them back. True story.

Upon receipt of one of these boxes, I called the sender to ask what specifically he wanted me to do. His explanation was something like this:

"Okay, in the box there's a bunch of envelopes (there were probably a few hundred). Open them, then look at the name of the account it specifies and file it alphabetically. Like my last name is 'Smith'. So put it under 'S'. Or Mike's last name is 'Wilson', so put it under 'W'. Get it?"

He explained it this way at least twice, being sure to be painstakingly clear about how the alphabet works. He didn't bother much to explain what the documents were or why they were important. He was just extra particular about the fact than an individual had two names, a first and a last, and that they consisted of 'letters' which go in some sort of 'order'. Whatever the heck that means!

Yeah. I get it.

Talk about regression. I could have done this as an elementary schooler. Why does he feel that he needed to explain it this way? Is the assumption that the average Joe is too dim to understand the concept of alphabetizing? Are most employees like this? Whatever the matter, this dumbing down thing has gotta stop soon. I need a real job.

A Semantically Civil War

News agencies are now referring to the conflict in Iraq as a 'civil war'.

Taken from wikipedia's definition of "civil war":

A civil war is a war in which the competing parties are segments of the same country or empire. Civil war is usually a high intensity stage in an unresolved political struggle for national control of state power. As in any war, the conflict may be over other matters such as religion, ethnicity, or distribution of wealth. Some civil wars are also categorized as revolutions when major societal restructuring is a possible outcome of the conflict.

As a matter of fact, yes, you can call what's going on Iraq a civil war- it certainly meets all the criteria. All participants (aside from U.S. forces) are from the same country, it is highly intense, there is an unresolved political struggle for state power, the conflict is of religion and ethnicity, somewhat of wealth, and there will be restructuring when the conflict is resolved. So yes, NBC, NY Times, and U.S government, it is a civil war. Duh.

Maybe this new terminology can get the government to realize what it has created, and perhaps leverage this into a new idea of how to control it. With Iraq in total chaos, some sort of power broker is going to take charge of the region. They could be friendly, they could be foe, or they could be Iran. Anything is possible, and there are a number of groups who have more power in the region than the United States does.

Regardless of what others call it, I still prefer to call it a clusterf*ck.

The Steak and Shake Bean Crock 2nd round College Football Playoff

So the talk of the sports world is on the upcoming college bowls. Every year there is controversy, and this year is no exception. With one game deciding the top team in the country, the two best contenders must be selected to take a chance at winning the national title.

This year, one of those spots is a shoe-in. Ohio State has been dominant all season and more than deserves a spot in the title game. Their opponent however, could potentially be any one of the number of one-loss teams from USC to Michigan to Florida. Worth consideration is the undefeated Boise State team, who despite dominating their conference will not get the opportunity to play for more than their own pride. The same thing happened to Auburn a few years back.

The grab bag of bowls pair teams as low as 5th or 6th in their conference (as long as they have a 6-6 record or better) for games that are rather meaningless, beyond a cash reward for their school. The BCS games are more prestigious by far, and only one bowl has a meaningful trophy at stake.

There has been talk by sports pundits that the bowl system should be eliminated and replaced by a tournament. I agree with this suggestion. Following the season, there should be tournament similar to that of college basketball, but much much smaller. The top 8-10 teams should play in a single elimination tourney with the victor receiving the championship prize. To get a bid to the tournament, you must win your conference. Seeds could still be determined by using the current polls and rankings. I considered also having at-large invitations, but the fact remains that no team should be able to be the national champions without also being conference champions.

For non-winners, there could still be bowl games to create inter-conference postseason matchups. I'm aware of how important these games can be, as participants can rake in millions. Sponsors could even buy the naming rights for tournament round games, like the "Steak and Shake Bean Crock 2nd round College Football Playoff."

In addition to the aforementioned benefits, the playoff series would keep viewers engaged for an extended period of time. Instead of having Ohio State play its last regular season game on November 17, then waiting til January for the bowl game, the team would need to prove itself through December. Every single game would be big and important, with even the most boring matchup consisting of two solid ranked teams. Unless your team was involved, few remember who played in most bowl games more than a year ago, and that includes non-championship BCS bowls. A elimination tournament would be better- think of it as a final four of football.

It seems like every other sport, college or professional, has some sort of playoff structure to determine the top teams in the league. Why does football insist on this backwards and obsolete system when a playoff structure would be more profitable and more entertaining?

Remember Remember the Lexus of December

Lexus is at it again with their "December to Remember" sales campaign. Every year they do this promotion where they advertise their luxury automobiles as christmas gifts. As if Christmas ad campaigns weren't already forcing us to spend enough money, this car company comes along and makes it worse.

They make those goofy commercials where some guy gives his wife (or vice versa) a $45,000 SUV as a Christmas gift, complete with oversized bow. Personally, if my wife bought me a luxury automobile for christmas, I'd be pissed. There is no reason or excuse to spend that much money for any holiday, with or without Jesus' involvement. Buying a car is a commitment. A commitment to years of car payments, raised insurance premiums, maintenance, and because its a Lexus, premium gas. (Frankly, I'm not too wild about a car ever being bought for me outright. I'd rather select the right vehicle myself, but I digress.)

The average salary in America is about $36,000. (This figure is likely skewed by the number of people that make hundreds of thousands per year) The majority of these cars cost well over that, meaning the average American couldn't possibly afford one. I have a hard time believing that these commercials really speak to more than a few percent of the population.

Does anyone actually purchase one of these cars as a gift? If so, damn. You must have some serious disposable income. And for the kind of cash these cars call for, it better come with that big ass bow.

If I ever decide to give a Lexus as a gift, it's gonna be because I stole it.

Diagnosed with Oral Roberts

If A>B and B>C, then logically A>C also, right?

If so, that makes for some interesting college basketball rankings. Last night, Kansas beat the #1 ranked Florida Gators in overtime. Hardly 10 days ago, Kansas was beaten by Oral Roberts University at home.

That means that Oral Roberts is now the best team in College Basketball. The math logic proves it.

Oral Roberts University was founded by its namesake, Oral Roberts. Contrary to popular belief, this is indeed the name of a person, not a sex act or a mouth disease.

Oral Roberts is an interesting character. A devout christian, he has raised millions of dollars through faith to build a university and a nearby medical center. He claimed, and I swear this is true, that a 900 foot tall Jesus told him to do it. For a later project, he told his followers that he had to raise 8 million dollars in a few short months or god would "call him home". He ended up not getting that call, as more than enough money was raised.

An interesting fact about his City of Faith Medical Center is that the buildings are constructed to Noah's specifications for the ark. Had to be an interesting construction project- I can only imagine the difficulties caused by using a 2000 year old, inconsistent, inaccurate measuring system... or a bunch of guys crawling around using their arms to measure things on the construction site.

Spectator Slowdown

I manage to live on the exact opposite side of Columbus from where I work. Every morning I take the highway straight through downtown (70->670) during rush hour. No one is a fan of traffic, and that includes me. I deal with it every morning though, as I try to get to work in less than half an hour.

I can usually make the journey in either direction in under a half hour if I leave at the right time. By adjusting my departure time by only 10-15 minutes, my arrival time can be changed by 20-30 minutes. That is to say that if I leave too late, I hit the worst part of traffic and it ends up taking me significantly longer to make the same trip.

"What causes traffic?", I wonder some days. Sure, the obvious answer is the volume of cars, but that's not specific enough. Additionally, we've all hit traffic at times that aren't rush hour.

Some of it seems to be caused by people driving too slow in the left lane, preventing cars from getting by. Some is people who are flat out lost, or are not paying attention to exit signs and merge late. Some people don't know how to merge it all. Other slowdowns are caused by people who insist on cutting into traffic from an outside lane even though there were signs suggesting that that very lane ended ahead. Lastly, I think much of traffic is caused by hair-trigger brakers, as I call them. These people who see a car's brakelights a mile and a half ahead and feel the need to slam theirs on immediately, causing a chain reaction.

Accidents can slow things down temporarily, but most of the time the involved vehicles are moved to the shoulder before there's a serious slowdown. Often this results in what is referred to as "spectator slowdown", where passers-by drive really slowly to get a good look at any available twisted wreckage or mangled bodies. Don't lie- you've done it. We've all been stuck in this traffic too- you spot the collision vehicles on the side of the road, no lanes are blocked, yet traffic is backed up for a mile and suddenly lets up as you pass the accident.

The only way to stop the rubbernecking is to stop doing it yourself. Instead of checking out the carnage, keep driving. I've made this effort before, but it's hard. After waiting in bumper-to-bumper traffic for the better part of an hour, I felt I'd earned a chance to take a look.
What is it that compels us to look at certain things this way? Why do we want to see crashes on NASCAR, big hits in football and hockey, or entertain ourselves with gory movies?